We all have moments of doubts when we are about to do something outside of comfort zone. As I’m about to launch a new version of this website, I’ve had these moments yesterday that I captured in this post. Thought some other people can find this relevant.
I’m here sitting in front of my computer. Where to go? What to do? Yes, I know I’m heading to a bigger iteration of myself. I know I’m going to be seen. I know many people will listen to what I say, some will like, and some will hate, it. Some will be inspired and some will probably try to shoot me down.
So I’m here procrastinating, occupying my brain trying to find a diversion, trying to hide from what my Higher Self has to say. Its voice has become so loud now that I can’t hide, I can’t, I can’t. And yet my ego and fears are fighting back. I forget my vision, I lie to myself and look around. “Nothing to look at, Benoit, just go deep in the centre, deep in the middle of your chest, that’s where it is, that s where you could feel it, your heart, your soul, your Truth”. No, no hiding is possible now. Just one step, then another one till I pass this gap, pass this plateau. I can’t go back anymore.
Or yes, I can go back, but my tribe wouldn’t allow me, they would mirror me back these fears, fears of being seen, fears of succeeding. The feeling I have now is the same as when I was playing tennis and couldn’t finish matches 15 years ago. . . This feeling that no-matter-what I can’t. I m blocked, I choke again. Oh yes, I know tons of techniques for coping. Yes, I know this fuckin’ breathing is supposed to drive me back to an open space, where I can again, I can, I can just hit one more ball correctly, make the connection in the brain with my feet and hand. And right now I don’t have the connection, “hello! Is there someone connected here? Where is the button to switch on the light? “…
… Sometimes for some reason, “oh glory”, access to my inner strength is reestablished,” It works!” and it’s a moment of release, a moment of hhaaaaa…till blockages come back again and again… So much disappointment with myself, so much hope and desire I put into it and for what? No recognition, no fame, no money… Yes, I could look at a bright side, I traveled and learned a lot about people. Well, that doesn’t make a difference with how I feel right now. What’s true to me in this moment is that I feel like a shit. And a big one. Oh yes there is the big ego that could tell you in a second how clean I am, how centered I am, and actually just thinking this makes it true.
The thing is, with techniques or not, practices or not, healing or not, I still have these moments, particularly when the pressure is on, and this is it, paralysis. I know I’m gonna move, when my ego will be tired of avoiding the issue, I’ll finally realize there’s not much to lose but myself if I don’t go for it, once again.
So Benoit, one more step, then another one. Ok. Breathe. Done. Next.